good morning I just woke up obsessed with the idea of a movie filmed in the style of a true crime documentary except it’s in the Twilight universe and a bunch of completely ordinary humans are trying to figure out why Bella effectively disappeared after high school without knowing anything about vampires
let’s review the Facts of the Case as far as anyone who’s not in on the secret knows them
super normal teenage girl moves to small town
becomes obsessed with a guy who by all appearances is in a cult
the incident where they dramatically broke up and Bella tried to go back to Phoenix but Edward followed her and they got back together but also Bella’s leg got mysteriously broken
another dramatic breakup and this time the entire family skips town leaving Bella catatonically depressed
sudden trip to Italy??? and then the entire family comes back???
Whatever Happened In Eclipse I Don’t Remember
Bella marries boyfriend of approx. a year and a half, goes away on an exotic vacation and immediately contracts a life threatening disease
is rarely seen in public again until her mysterious death, which if I’m remembering correctly is a thing?? because Bella was pretty sure her mom wouldn’t be able to handle the vampire thing and that they were going to have to fake a death which is!! fucked UP
also apparently the Cullens haven’t ever bothered with, like, changing their names, so if anyone goes poking around they’re easily going to discover a family of seven rich weirdos moving around various overcast cities together for at least a century
tell me you wouldn’t watch this shit
highlights:
generic Missing White Woman opening that rapidly spirals into interviews Bella’s hilarious tacky high school classmates talking shit about the Cullens (Mike Newton’s Time To Shine)
Charlie (who Knows) uncomfortably lying to the camera about how of course he’s Very Sad about all of this and misses his daughter a whole lot. the crew immediately begins speculating about Charlie’s involvement.
a few scenes shot in Italy. the voice over concludes that there are no clues to be found there while a Volturi member hovers very obviously in the background for the audience’s enjoyment
testimonies about Carlisle’s character that end with the interviewee getting distracted thinking how hot he was, including Charlie
a segment trying to figure out what the Fuck Jacob’s involvement is followed by a montage of werewolves slamming their front doors in the crew’s faces
a brief mention of the murder spree that happened in Seattle during Bella’s senior year but quickly shrugging it off as DEFINITELY unrelated to any of this
trying to dig into where the Cullens lived before Forks and quickly realizing that None Of These Children Existed Before the Age of Seventeen
briefly toying with a kidnapping scenario before stumbling onto a record of the Cullens in some other town that’s JUST old enough to be inconsistent with the ages they were supposed to be in Forks
“wait I think all the kids were actually in their twenties, maybe?”
literally the only good het ships are the ones where the guy is absolutely dedicated to the woman and adores and respects her and knows she’s way cooler than he is and that’s why he loves her. and also she tops him regularly
do you ever see a general fandom edit but it’s like ‘i can see your shipping bias and i don’t like it’ so the bitter old lady in you refuses to reblog it?
i love how edward elric dresses like the typical anime protag (all black, red cloak w/ huge emblem, tight leather pants, always puts skulls or spikes on everything, huge belt with a chain on it, etc. etc.) but literally everyone else dresses like normal fucking people so he just constantly gets berated for his Shit Awful Taste
cf also everything he makes with alchemy.
me at first: “Wow this magic sure has a kind of gothic sensibility with all the dragons and spikes and shit that comes out”
me another few volumes in, “Oh, no, Ed’s just… Like That”
I know this isn’t Bojack related, but recently instead of turning men down by saying “no, thank you”, I experimented with saying “I’m engaged” and flashing a ring instead.
Needless to say, I am not engaged. It still worked better than just saying “no”, but then came questions like “so where is your fiancé?” and “he let you go out by yourself looking like that?” or just remaining persistent in asking for my number.
So I went into my closet, and pulled out a fiancé.
Now when I turn men down and they need further proof, they can know that I would rather lug around a 5 foot tall plastic skeleton to Steak n Shake and fake a proposal than give them my number.
His name is Braunschweiger Last-Name and I think I’m going to take his last name.
Overdressed & Underappreciated 