good morning I just woke up obsessed with the idea of a movie filmed in the style of a true crime documentary except it’s in the Twilight universe and a bunch of completely ordinary humans are trying to figure out why Bella effectively disappeared after high school without knowing anything about vampires
let’s review the Facts of the Case as far as anyone who’s not in on the secret knows them
super normal teenage girl moves to small town
becomes obsessed with a guy who by all appearances is in a cult
the incident where they dramatically broke up and Bella tried to go back to Phoenix but Edward followed her and they got back together but also Bella’s leg got mysteriously broken
another dramatic breakup and this time the entire family skips town leaving Bella catatonically depressed
sudden trip to Italy??? and then the entire family comes back???
Whatever Happened In Eclipse I Don’t Remember
Bella marries boyfriend of approx. a year and a half, goes away on an exotic vacation and immediately contracts a life threatening disease
is rarely seen in public again until her mysterious death, which if I’m remembering correctly is a thing?? because Bella was pretty sure her mom wouldn’t be able to handle the vampire thing and that they were going to have to fake a death which is!! fucked UP
also apparently the Cullens haven’t ever bothered with, like, changing their names, so if anyone goes poking around they’re easily going to discover a family of seven rich weirdos moving around various overcast cities together for at least a century
tell me you wouldn’t watch this shit
highlights:
generic Missing White Woman opening that rapidly spirals into interviews Bella’s hilarious tacky high school classmates talking shit about the Cullens (Mike Newton’s Time To Shine)
Charlie (who Knows) uncomfortably lying to the camera about how of course he’s Very Sad about all of this and misses his daughter a whole lot. the crew immediately begins speculating about Charlie’s involvement.
a few scenes shot in Italy. the voice over concludes that there are no clues to be found there while a Volturi member hovers very obviously in the background for the audience’s enjoyment
testimonies about Carlisle’s character that end with the interviewee getting distracted thinking how hot he was, including Charlie
a segment trying to figure out what the Fuck Jacob’s involvement is followed by a montage of werewolves slamming their front doors in the crew’s faces
a brief mention of the murder spree that happened in Seattle during Bella’s senior year but quickly shrugging it off as DEFINITELY unrelated to any of this
trying to dig into where the Cullens lived before Forks and quickly realizing that None Of These Children Existed Before the Age of Seventeen
briefly toying with a kidnapping scenario before stumbling onto a record of the Cullens in some other town that’s JUST old enough to be inconsistent with the ages they were supposed to be in Forks
“wait I think all the kids were actually in their twenties, maybe?”
Enemies to “ugh I can’t believe I’m saving your life” to “ugh we have to work together or the world ends but it’s not like I like you or anything” to “oh we actually connect pretty well but that doesn’t mean anything” to “I would die for you but don’t read too much into it” to “I’ll kill anyone who lays a finger on you” to Lovers.
it’s impossible to satirize Gamer Culture any more than this person seeing a suffragette in a video game and deciding to immediately punch her in the face and then upload it to YouTube entitled “Beating Up Annoying Feminist” where it then proceeds to get over 17,000 likes
When Nott stole from a guest: nothing happened When Vex stole from a guest: she was mercilessly attacked on reddit, twitter, called a greedy bitch and had her alignment changed
When Fjord threatened Caleb with his sword because he was stealing scrolls during a mission: everyone called it a shippy sexually charged moment. When Jester and Caleb disagreed over money management: she was called a spoiled selfish brat who had humiliated him
When Molly slapped Caleb out of a panic attack and when he got uncomfortably close to his personal space: it was called a sexy shippy moment When Jester insisted to check Fjord’s abs with a medicine check to solve part of the orb mystery (after Caleb’s insistence): everyone claimed it was gross creepy groping
When Scanlan modified several allies’ memories to try to make them fall for him or get him drugs: it was all for laughs and giggles or interesting character choices that would eventually lead to his redemption When Jester denied the Traveler’s suggestion that she use magic to get a boy to like her: she’s suddenly seriously 100% considering roofying Fjord to get him to bed
When Vax waxed poetic through long conversation with his two romantic interests: it was all swoons and heartfelt moments the fandom wrote thousands of words worth of meta about When Jester quietly fumes over being jealous of an apparent romantic rival in the background: she’s stealing the spotlight and being catty and manipulative over someone she has no claim over
When Fjord cut off a man’s hand to take off his genie-bracelet: it was a badass and dark moment that had everyone speculating about his alignment When Jester tattooed a little smiley face on a sailor: she’s suddenly an abuser branding her victims like a r*pist
So I am really honestly sorry for all the people who have actual and real reasons to be critical of Laura’s character and who are genuinely uncomfortable with some of her decisions, but the double standard has rendered me unable to take most of those claims seriously or lightly because they exist within a context where the trend is to demonize female characters over things their male counterparts are celebrated for.
And I didn’t even get into Marisha/Keyleth/Beau but you get the idea.
“she’s aro/ace uwu” = fan favorite female character who’s not an immediate threat to the popular m/m ship
“she’s a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man!” = main heroine who clearly has chemistry with main hero, or any WoC
“I don’t hate her, but…” = impending threat to popular m/m ship, erased from the story/written out in fanworks
“She lied to this male character once, that means she’s abusive!!” = canon love interest, immediate threat to the popular m/m ship, gets all her hate tagged
I’m watching the new episode of Um Actually where nerds play trivia contest on the internet, and Matt Mercer is a guest and won the first point by interrupting the question halfway through and making sure everyone knew that sorcerers use charisma for their spellcasting power
Matt being handed a page full of mistakes about dnd and asked to identify them all
Overdressed & Underappreciated 