For an article appearing on thefandomentals.com, I actually sat down (with a lot of booze) and subjected myself to watching the Lightning Thief movie again. Here are unfiltered live notes, so everyone can suffer with me.

(Why yes I do channel cinema sins. just a little bit)

·        
The
first 10 seconds do away with the one core rule of the franchise; as Poseidon
for some reason steps out of a river, a fisherman SEES him. The books avoid
this by having a thing called “mist” exist that keeps mortals from seeing
ancient greek mythology stuff going on. Unless, of course, that particular
fisherman was blessed with clear sight and is destined to be the next oracle.
Suck it, Rachel.

·        
Oh
god, Sean Bean is in this movie, and he doesn’t even die. That alone says
everything about the quality you need to know.

·        
Why
the fuck are they meeting in mortal forms on the empire state building? Yes,
that’s where Olympus is, but Olympus is metaphysically ABOVE the fucking
building, not the deck they’re on, which would be crowded at any and all times
of day.

·        
Okay.
So they meet here to discuss exposition. Zeus knows Poseidon has a son. Zeus is
also to blame for Poseidon never contacting said son. I mean, technically it’s
a pact the two of you made with your other brother after he spawned Hitler and
a world war happened, but, uh, is that even canon to this movie?

·        
Okay,
Sean Bean establishes the summer solstice as a deadline. Keep that in mind.
SUMMER SOLSTICE.

·        
Why
do we put the plot into the first three seconds of the film? Was Columbus afraid
we’d fall asleep after this and wouldn’t be able to catch up?

·        
Okay
real talk Logan LErman would have been the perfect Percy about 5 years before
this movie was made. He grew up a little too baby faced to still be a good fit
for battle hardened don’t fuck with me Percy of the follow up series, but
still, such a missed opportunity.

·        
Okay
so Percy regularly hangs out at the bottom of the swimming pool for 7 minutes
to think. That’s, ah. Weird. You know. If you do that regularly, people might
notice. And Grover, whose job is to keep him safe, and also to technically keep
him from realizing he’s not quite human, is encouraging this. Because. Sure.
Why not.

·        
OKAY.
SO. They kept the NAME of the school, but not the boarding school aspect. They
turned Mrs. Dodds into an English teacher so she could make a joke about the
word fury in Othello. And they choose to establish the dyslexia and ADHD thing
during dialogue while not actually showing any ADHD symptoms. I can’t quite
talk about how well they do with the dyslexia, but from what we see, it’s the
letters just fogging over and randomly turning into Greek letters which is not
how it is described in the books at all. Seems more like Percy needs glasses
here.

·        
Oh
my fucking god. Gabe comes home, sits down in the uncomfortable kitchen chair,
demands beer and smacks Sally on the ass, and both Percy and Sally treat him
like a rude house guest maybe, not like the abusive asshole he’s actually
supposed to be. Percy even stands up to him and thinks it’s necessary to
explain that this is his mother and he will not have her sexualized in this
kitchen. Gah.

·        
How
can this house both be Gabe’s while at the same time, he never held down a job?

·        
Also
Percy comes into the pretty house at the ground floor and calls for his mother
who is like on the third floor. Is that entire house theirs? If so, damn, Gabe
is a rich unemployed white trash person.

·        
Oh
and now Poseidon just randomly wanders around New York to stalk his son amazing

·        
Percy
wears headphones during the plot related exposition at the MOA

·        
At
least he’s fidgeting now. That’s progress.

·        
OKAY.
So Ms. Dodds pulls Percy aside in the middle of the lesson, and Grover and Mr.
Brunner can totally leave too to help him. They also cut the action sequence
but sure, whatever.

·        
Percy
gets weirdly ableist when Grover says he’s his protector. Like, in the books
Percy’s objection to that was that Grover was constantly being bullied and
Percy had to stand up for him.

·        
In
fact, Percy and Grover could possibly pass for cool kids here; neither of them
look like losers. Percy is pretty and has amazing abs. That’s… Completely
contrary to how book!Percy feels. Like, he gets better once he reaches the age
where boys stop looking like cave trolls, but, uh, that takes a while.

·        
Then
they go home to Sally, Grover downs Gabe, and they run off, and Gabe’s poker
buddies just let them be. What.

·        
They
start conversation about the father while the sun is setting in New York City,
and only commence it in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere

·        
The
minotaur who just toppled their car is suddenly all the way up the hill. Wow.

·        
Sexist
edit: In the books, Percy’s mom explains to him how to fight the minotaur.
Here, he just kinda figures it out himself.

·        
Okay.
Two dumb things: With the mom evaporated just before the camp gates, why do
they fight the minotaur at all? In the books, Percy is half a mile away from
the camp when the showdown happens and he fights to save himself and his mom.
Here, he just charges out there to avenge his mom even though the magical gate
is right there.

·        
Second:
instead of going for his sword, the actual weapon, Percy goes for the horn
stuck in the tree, almost getting skewered himself. Now, the narrative for some
reason rewards him for this, but this is just dumb. And there was also no
indication that the horn was going to work better than the sword, which is also
right there and not stuck in a tree.

·        
The
fury roughed him up more than the minotaur did, and yet this is the part where
he falls unconscious

·        
Grover
is BUFF

·        
He’s
supposed to be a scrawny loser kid with anxiety issues

·        
Also
nursing Percy is Annabeth’s part. This is important. Ish.

·        
Yeah,
okay, Grover giving Percy the tour is… Unfortunate. In the books, there were
actual adults giving him these talks, and also Annabeth, and you get the
feeling Satyrs are veeeeery low on the pecking order. Also, Mr Brunner was
there to actually take him seriously

·        
Also,
the camp just looks wrong. Way wrong.

·        
UGH

·        
UUUUUGH

·        
OKAY

·        
We’re
introduced to BRUNETTE Annabeth while a bunch of people do badly choreographed battle
around her. This is wrong. This is so wrong.

·        
Annabeth
is good in a fight, yeah. But her main asset is her brain. And the first
glimpses we get of her is taking care of Percy, both nursing him and giving him
the tour, because she piecing together how he fits into a prophecy that
concerns her and is her ticket out of there.

·        
Also
they kind of combine her role in this movie with that of Clarisse, who is a daughter
of Ares and a bully like the ones Percy never had to face here. I have no idea
why they did that, and it’s even more ridiculous since Clarisse appears in the sequel.

·        
Why
did they have to put more than one centaur in here, they’re supposed to be
party animals roaming the countryside, EXCEPT for Mr. Brunner who is Chiron
fuck everything

·        
Okay.
They also conflated the daughters of Aphrodite with the naiads that are around,
and both groups would NEVER give Grover the time of day. Buuut I guess
considering where this leads, we do have to play up his sex appeal, huh?

·        
OKAY.
The cabins in the books are actual fancy and pretty houses, befitting Greek
gods. Being claimed by a god is also a special thing, and the fact that it is
special contributes greatly to the 5 book story arc. Here, they just shove
Percy into a weird wooden structure full of sailing paraphernalia specifically built
for him.

·        
Okay
so apparently the only danger kids of the big 3 pose is making the other big 3
jealous for some reason, not because they literally kicked off the world wars

·        
And
apparently, Gabe’s smell isn’t supposed to keep monsters away, but the other
gods?!

·        
Well
I mean everyone seems to have known about Percy, sooo

·        
Also
Percy has no way to integrate into camp or anything , has no connection to any
of these people, anything

·        
Luke
is missing a scar, and is also completely creepy from the get go

·        
Why
do we keep getting meaningful close ups of Annabeth, what is she supposed to
mean to anyone at this point

·        
Why
was she fighting with a knife minutes ago and is nnow using a bow and arrow, it’s
Athena not Artemis

·        
This
game of cpture the flag is stupid

·        
And
also undercuts Annabeth’s actual point

·        
In
the books this involved like tactics and shit

·        
But
like, I commend the script for making Percy lampshade how ridiculous this all
is

·        
It’s
just that capture the flag had a narrative purpose, too, which is null and
voide when he was already claimed

·        
Also
Percy is such an idiot for just going for the flag like that

·        
Annabeth
has boob plate

·        
“My mother is goddess of
wisdom and battle strategy. You know what that means?” – IT MEANS YOU
SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO TAKE OFF YOUR HELMET WHILE FACING AN ENEMY WITH A
SWORD.

·        
AND ALSO YOU SHOULD KNOW
BETTER THAN TO MONOLOGUE AT AN OPPONENT

·        
WHAT
IS HER BEEF WITH PERCY? Yes, he rudely stared at you for a while, but why do
you need to cut him up like that?!

·        
She
just beats him down and nobody does a thing they all just stand around staring
what the fuck

·        
And
then everyone cheers when she’s done beating down the completely untrained new
kid?! WHAT THE FUCK

·        
ArE
YOU ALL BRAAVOSI WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON

·        
THERE
ARE BLUE FORCES RIGHT BEHIND YOUR FLAG WHY ARE THEY NOT DOING ANYTHING

·        
Percy,
who already knows he’s a son of Poseidon needs to be told by divine
intervention to go to the water, the only place he actually liked before

·        
Brief
contact with water then turns him into superman and has him actually sort of
beat Annabeth

·        
Though
not as cruelly as she beat him

·        
And
then everyone just lets him walk to the flag. Why the fuck.

·        
You
know who actually figured out how the water powers worked? Annabeth!

·        
You
know who actually made a battle plan to get the flag for the blue team?
ANNABETH!

·        
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah

·        
Percy
gets party invitations. The fuck.

·        
Annabeth
chases them away and then flirts with him for some reason. Percy is also
completely turned on by a public beat down.

·        
“I
definitely have strong feelings for you” whaaaat the fuck. Whaaaaaaat the fuck.
This is soooo weird.

·        
WHERE
IS MY FIVE BOOK AWKWARD PUBERTY SLOW BURN

·        
Oh
hello flame demon. How nice of you to just show up like that and deliver the
plot to us

·        
Okay.
So. Hades wants the bolt, but outright states that he doesn’t have it. So far,
the plans are to talk to one of two enraged gods and convince them he didn’t
take the bolt. That’s…Not much of a plan at all unless someone here knows how
to cast a zone of truth spell or something

·        
Hades
now comes along and offers his mom in exchange for the bolt, instead of being
framed for everything like in the books, and the camp counsellors just… leave
Percy alone after that?

·        
Like,
not only Grover, but the random chick who brutally tore into him in front of a
crowd figured out he was going to bail without ever receiving a tiny bit of
training, guys. This is stupid.

·        
Annabeth
wants a quest. Sweetheart, this is not a quest. There is a protocol to these
things, as you would know. A god has to assign it, there has to be a clear
objective, and at least according to camp regulations, a prophecy, and the
entire thing has to be official. But sure. Tag along with the random unprepared
kid who’s going to get his mom.

·        
OH
THAT’S JUST GREAT YEAH Annabeth would not know how to get to the underworld,
she has to go ask A MAN for info SOMEONE SHOOT ME

·        
Luke
is in a completely empty cabin with a gaming console and flat screens and pokes
fun at the ren faire feel

·        
Luke,
Annabeth has daddy issues completely independent from her godly parent but okay
fine

·        
YEAH
LUKE LECTURE US ON GREEK MYTHOLOGY

·        
NO
NOT LIKE THAT

·        
Okay
so my personal interpretation of Persephone is more that of an ancient times
beauty and the beast kind of deal, so that she’s not entirely unhappy

·        
Also
like, Greek mythology has a maaaaaajor Madonna/whore complex. Maaaaajor. And
while she’s not one of the chastity goddesses, Persephone kiiiinda doesn’t fall
in the dedicated adulteress part of that spectrum

·        
But
foreshadowing. I get it.

·        
Convenient map is convenient

·        
Super
literal soundtrack

·        
Also
they still haven’t told us where the underworld is or how to get in there, just
that it’s easy

·        
“Let’s
split up, check everything” Greeaaat plan, Percy. And then just go looking
around without actually looking thoroughly

·        
Now
Annabeth is dragged along screaming and Grover actually knows how is greatuncle
died and is the one to figure out what’s going on. Great.

·        
Like,
in the books, he still finds his uncle Ferdinand, but no one ever knew what
happened to him because he got lost during a search at a place where no one
really returns from

·        
Annabeth
is the first one to figure out that the nice woman giving them burgers and
asking them to pose for pictures is not their friend and saves both Grover and
Percy, and Percy figures out who she is himself immediately after, before the
veil comes off and the snakes start hissing

·        
Oh,
Uma Thurman, you are too good for this

·        
I
need to watch Kill Bill after this just to calm down

·        
It’s
weirdly cathartic to fight your own murderous instincts

·        
CALL
ATTENTION TO ANNABETH’S HAIR JUST TO RUB IT IN WHY DON’T YOU

·        
Annabeth
knows this story dammit

·        
Also
villain monologue

·        
I
dunno, Uma, you’re still pretty hot like that

·        
At
least Percy figures out the reflection thing

·        
Ugh
Annabeth has to get rescued

·        
How
can you sense him if you were surprised by his presence before?

·        
Percy
says he can look at her reflection and then throws away the phone he’s using to
look at her when he actually sees her

·        
Where
the fuck did they get the car

·        
How
did Annabeth learn to drive at camp

·        
She
can sense him, sees him coming, and he still gets to cut off her head from
behind

·        
And
then she conveniently carried around the pearl with her

·        
DID
THIS MOVIE JUST IMPLY PERSEPHONE GOT FREAKY WITH MEDUSA?!

·        
How
do they get a motel room, do they actually have credit cards or something? What
the fuck.

·        
Yeah
okay I don’t feel creepy at all looking at Logan Lerman’s naked torso some more

·        
So
I guess Percy’s ocean powers in this movie work like waterbending and can also
heal other people

·        
How
he figured that out? No idea. Why he doesn’t start carrying around water
everywhere he goes for just this purpose?

·        
And
aaaalso I think the more significant story for the animosity between Athena and
Poseidon would be how he fucked Medusa in her temple, but sure. The story about
Athens.

·        
Book!Annabeth,
when prompted, brings up both, by the way.

·        
Why
is it forbidden for all gods to interact with their kids?

·        
DID
SHE SAY SALLY UGLIANO?! SALLY JACKSON NEVER TOOK HIS NAME AND THAT IS FUCKING
IMPORTANT

·        
Why
is there laundry service in the middle of the night?

·        
And
how did they get to check out after that?

·        
Yeah
okay this Parthenon business is completely not in the books

·        
“I
wonder if she really looks like that” Okay okay cutting out the field trip is
fucking stupid

·        
No
one checks the bathrooms before closing up the place?

·        
And
no on turns off the lights in the bathrooms?

·        
Cleaning
staff ruining the day yet again

·        
Every
time Annabeth shoots anything in this movie
I die a little on the inside

·        
Also
hey, there are more black people in this movie than Grover and Persephone, and
they all work in maintenance

·        
Ugh,
son of Poseidon taking to the air

·        
Aaaand
the maintenance squad has been possessed

·        
Annabeth
gets to point out the obvious, Percy is on fire like it’s no big deal, and Hail
Hydra isn’t even a thing yet. At least not in the main stream.

·        
Flying
shoes are now fully attuned and working for him

·        
Annabeth
shoots shit again

·        
At
one point, it is a plot point that children not of Apollo aren’t that good at
archery

·        
And
Annabeth in the books fights with a knife, an invisibility cap, and her wits,
and never shoots shit

·        
Medusa
petrifies the hydra through fire

·        
Okay
then

·        
Where
do they get their money for food from

·        
That’s
a major obstacle in the books

·        
The
credit cards they totally have?

·        
And
the gas money for that car

·        
Okay
so the underworld is actually visually striking and could have had potential

·        
Hades
is actually vengeful and out to kill the other gods

·        
Persephone
mentions her allotted time away from him, but is still there before the
solstice.

·        
She
double crosses Hades because she hates him and shit, it’s weird

·        
And
then she hits on what for all intents and purposes is an underaged boy

·        
The
staredown is sooo unsatisfying and thematically rrelevant

·        
Luke
just conveniently happened to flutter around the empire state building close to
midnight because….?

·        
Does
this camp have no security?

·        
The
fight is badly, badly choreographed

·        
Luke
also just has delusions of grandeur and wants to ascend to gdhood or something

·        
“You’Re
no hero” – actually, per definition, he is.

·        
Also,
this fucking lightning bolt is supposed to be more powerful than nuclear bombs,
STOP USING IT IDIOTS

·        
And
then Luke just kinda chills on top of the building, waiting for Percy to come
and angage him in aerial combat like a video game boss

·        
Okay
if you’re using the lightning bolt, fucking use it

·        
HOW
CAN PERCY’S SWORD REFLECT IT DAMMIT

·        
No,
really, if a celestial bronze sword can do that, what’ so great about it in the
first place

·        
They
use this thing like a flashier version of a tazer

·        
Also,
they’re right underneath Olympus, you’d think the gods might actually intervene
this close to their home turf

·        
Luke
then uses Percy’s lack of proficiency at aerial combat to suggest he might be
no son of Posedong after all… Which I agre with, actually, because Zesu would
blast any sons of Poseidon out of the air immediately

·        
He
also effectively reminds Percy of his waterbending powers, so he can make water
tanks explode for dramatic final battle poses

·        
The
bolt somehow doesn’t electrocute Luke when caught in a tidal wave

·        
Water
somehow knocks Luke’s shoes off

·        
Mortals
are allowed to go to Olympus

·        
Ah
wait, just to ride the elevator up there

·        
Athena
has a random British accent

·        
And
the gods are arguing, completely oblivious to what’s going on, but also totally
prepared for imminent war

·        
With
each other in a council chamber

·        
Riiight

·        
Also
the movie gave absolutely no reason for Luke to be angry

·        
Athena
and Poseidon are conveniently already standing

·        
Zeus
just like that agrees to bring Grover from the underworld WHICH IS NOT EVEN HIS
DOMAIN

·        
Poseidon
gets to talk to Percy and doesn’t even shrink down to do it. They never say why
the gods aren’t allowed to talk to their children

·        
…Gods
become human when they spend too much time with mortals? AND THAT’S WHY THEY’RE
NOT ALLOWED TO VISIT THEIR CHILDREN?! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?!?!!?!?!

·        
Zeus
and Poseidon are RIVALS. Godhood can be BESTOWED. The rational thing to do
would have been to let him become human and appoint a new god of the sea loyal
to Zeus

·        
You’d
think some tactical minded deity who doesn’t like Poseidon very much would have
thought of that

·        
Sally
can just kick out Gabe, just like that

·        
Chiron
is totally into students disobeying. Let word of that get around, and everyone
will run away and be eaten by monsters, defeating the entire purpose of the
camp

·        
Gd
dammit you kids have no chemistry and with the intense eyes and same hair color
look more like siblings

·        
Making
this almost kiss really uncomfortable.

·        
Also,
how is Percy suddenly able to stand up against her clunky pirouette fighting
without having stepped into water first?

·        
Ugh